50hrs had pass... still there's no news of her... i goin crazy... really goin crazy soon... diff ppl tell mi diff things... some say... i muz wait for her... vice versa also got ppl say... i shouldnt wait.. maybe she already got some1 else... haiz.. i dunno how lah! FAN ARH!!!! went down to esplanade to work last nite... saw my gan mei YT and her bf. yea... they look loving... give my blessing to them... at least they are so much better than mi. heard her say the story of my gd buddy CR. tt his gf zao sai him. the silly ass still went down to sch to look for her. but end up onli see her holding the hand of another guy. FUCK MAN! BITCH! sianz~ went back home at aro 11 from Clarke QUay... luckily got my bao bei mei xiao hui to keep mi acc. reach home do nth and rot. yea rotting... hoping to see something from her.but still... haiz... chest had been hurting almost every moment. i breath in it hurts. like telling mi stop breathing then it wont hurts... haha.. how i wish i could. "where are u my baby?" i can take it no more... ARRGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
today is the 25th le.... onli 2 days had passed.... times seems to pass so slowly... image of her keep popping up in my mind... juz like wat Z had said... it's all the small small little things tt she do makes mi feel this way... it's all this small small little things make mi feel so attached to her... last morning got her call... she's still crying... she say her dad beat her till her legs bleed and got blue black... she say she cant walk... she's crying when she said tt... her dad wan to ban her form goin to sch for 1 mth... WAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hearing all these are bad enuff to upset mi... juz b4 we put down the phone.. the last 3 words she say to mi... almost break mi down to tears... it's so pain inside... so pain till no matter how i act... i still cant hide the saddness and pain within mi... this morning wake up... still... no call from her... keep looking at my phone... ppl tot i'm looking at time... i'm not... i'm hoping to see something else... a call... or even juz 1 sms also can... but....no... i receive none of it... i dunno how long can i carry on like this... i feel so damn shit.... and btw.... Z i'm sry to have cos u so much problem... these few days enjoy urself k? i wont go and disturb u... dun wan u to feel so bad over wat had happen to mi... i also kinda starting to lose the mood to crap or even tok... i also seldom tok at home now... haiz... "how are u doin now baby? are u ok?" haiz....
today is juz so WRONG!!!! haiz.... we were caught... i'm not allowed to see her, meet her nor contact her again... all this nvm.... but WHY HAVE TO BEAT HER?! not happy.... beat mi lah... she didnt do anything wrong ok?! damnit! nv feel so powerless b4... dunno wat i should do now... really muz thx zrystal and charlynnn for comforting mi today... thou i still feel like shit now... but who gonna give a damn fuck abt it?! cos i myself also dun care... my heart feels so pain... i really dunno wat can i do.... i wan to noe how is she doin now... did her father beat her until very bad? all this i wanted to noe so much... but i cant... i cant even get to hear her voice again... when she tok to mi on the phone with her crying voice... my whole heart sank... i dunno wat to say to her... juz ask her to study well for her O... dun even noe if she can come in here to take a look anot... if she really did i come in.. i juz wan to say.... "Baby..... I Love U!" :'(
back from ps... went to play lan with Rainy and her bf chuan... it was suppose to be a chance for mi to relieve the stress i have within mi... but everything starts to turn out so damn wrong not long after i reach there... i received the sms from her... we exchanged 3 sms... and everything between us had come to an end... i was so stun till i dunno wat i should do... i really dun understand... no reason no nothing... and it's over juz like this... i wanted to noe y... but she wont reply mi nor answer my call... went into audition and played with serena... this is the 1st time i playd so well when my mood is so suck up.. initially was well... after tt i start to miss... cos my vision become blur... how to see clearly when there is tears in ur eyes? i dunno y... it juz hurts... hurts so much tt i cried.. i cried over her... wo bu gan xin... if she've fallen for some1 else... y not juz tell mi straight? rather than end this in such manner... i hate it... but luckily nobodyu noe tt i cried... after tt mi and chuan went to ps to play maximum tune... i know... i suck up in the game... i bang everywhere... along the way home... i'm glad tt Z called mi to chat with mi... muz thankz her for trying to console mi... even now i still feel so upset over her... i dunno how long it will take for mi to get over her... i noe i love her so... but she nv noe how much i have put in for her... how much i have tried all juz for her... but now... it's all down into the drain... i hate this... i really hate this... ARGH~!
back to blog again... had some fun goin out with Z. haha... so sry tt i got really bad headache... reach home... saw my bro alone in the room with lights off... he is not slping... i knew something was wrong.... it was all becos of my dad again... it's always him who affect every1's mood. he tink he is the biggest in the god damn fmaily? fuck u understand?! we are no longer small kids to let u anyhow scold again... i noe in the whole family he onli see mi bu shuang... bu shuang say lah... tell mi straight in the face... u always wan mi to shift out rite? fine... give mi 1-2 mths time.. i will shift out. once i shift out. i wont fucking care wat happens to u... be it u're dead... injured.. sick..... i wont care... u treat mi like shit... i will treat u worse than shit! becos of mum i stay in here... but now u wan to push ur limit further... i will show u wat i can do... ppl wan to say i bu siao i also dun care.. cos nobody noe how u have treated mi... u say u treat mi as dead wat rite? i treat u as dead as well... i wont even bother to attend ur fucking funeral. and i damn fucking hate myself becos of U! becos i am born becos of U! U dirtied my body... my mind... my soul... my everything! y didnt u all juz abort mi 24yrs ago?! maybe u will feel better... and i will surely feel alot more better! i rather not be born than to feel so insulted by U! i need somebody who i can really trust and lean on to.... but it's nv possible... haiz... how i wish later i go slp laioz.. den i wont wake up anymore... relieve mi from all this shit.. and u will be god damn happy also! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!